Midnight Ramblings…..

I am up in the middle of the night because I could not sleep. Why? Because God told me to get up!! I laid in my bed singing the same praise and worship song in my head for 3 hours trying to fall asleep :o) I just love God and how he works!

I am so excited! I just don't want this day to end. I think that is the real reason that I can't sleep. We had our second week of our bible study Esther this morning. Wow. That is the only word that I can think of to describe how I feel about it!!! Participating in a study has always been great for me, but actually leading one… God has taken it (and me) to "anutha" level with him because of a mustard seed!!

I just keep thinking why me? How could he have called me?? I am not smart. I am a WRECK talking in front of people. I even passed out during my speech in speech class… just to give you some idea. Doesn't God know this?? Surely he has forgotten. NO. NO NO NO. HE has not. He has called each and every one of us daily. He does not forget you or your past. I think that was such a valid point made in today's session. "You can not amputate your history from your destiny." No. No you can not. God knows you. He knows you are a mess. He knows about all the dishes in your sink, and all the clothes in your dryer that have been there for 2 days because you just don't feel like folding them (don't even play like I am the only one… :o) He knows your thoughts.

It is so amazing to see God work. It's amazing to see others receive revelation from him!! It's amazing when he talks to you personally, but really, it's amazing to see him talking to others. Sometimes it's almost as if we convince our self somewhere along the way that he only talks to us (personally). I heard it put "it's as if he becomes our imaginary friend". How true is that?? One of my very, very favorite praise and worship songs by Addison Road says, "I've made you promises a thousand times. I try to hear from heaven, but I talk the whole time. I think I made you too small….." Oooh. Gives me chill bumps just thinking about it. That song, and those words really speak into my life so personally.

Have to ever been in a conversation with someone who just talked forever and never let you get a word in? Think about how God feels. He's got a WHOLE bunch of folks that do that to him on a second to second basis. At what point will we stop talking and start listening. I have to constantly remind myself of James 4:8 "Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you." And drawing near does not entail me dominating the conversation.

How many times have I wanted and needed desperately to hear from God. Then I go and pray and talk and talk. I become too "busy" to wait for his answer, there's not "enough time". Or, to be completely honest, I just don't want to hear what he has to say about it, because I have already made up my mind what "me, myself and I" want to do about it. More times we go to God looking for approval for our own plan than actually seeking HIS plan (aka: His will for you).

Why do we keep trying to trick God? Why do we keep making excuses to him and convincing ourselves that the "little sins" in our life are ok? We all have them. In fact, it's the "little sins" that are truly the hardest ones to get rid of. They are not ok, and we know because out holy spirit is telling us that they are not ok. Thank God that he has blessed me with his presence 24 hours a day or there is no telling what kind of a mess I would have gotten myself in!! I need him!! ALL the time. I need him to tell me right from wrong. Just like my five year old daughter does to me, I push and push the boundries until I get a smack on the hand letting me know that enough is enough. I AM DESPERATE FOR THAT HAND SMACK!! I need it like Oscar the grouch needs trash!! (inside joke :o)

I know that I have drifted off my original subject… but God has dragged me out of my bed and lead my fingers on these keys tonight, so I know that someone out there somewhere needed to hear these words tonight. Praise God. I will boast in Christ alone. Those will be my last words.

Perfect Peace.

This picture I chose today is not a random picture as I usually choose off photo bucket pertaining to my post.

This is a picture of my Aunt's front yard on Christmas morning (yesterday). Even as I am sitting here writing this snow is falling quickly from the sky and it brings tears to my eyes. I am deeply in love with the snow! Being a girl born and raised in Texas, you wouldn't think that I would embrace it so, but I do. It is so near and dear to my heart.

As it falls, I am reminded of the years I have lived here in Kansas before. How I dreaded that time when I was here, for so many different reasons.

While my husband, daughter and I were driving from Alabama to Kansas I caught myself mentally complaining about living in Alabama. Right then God put this on my heart: Be thankful for where you have been, enjoy where you are, and look forward to where you are going. I know that sounds a little fortune cookie-ish, but that is the beauty of my God. He does not fit in your cookie cutter, even if you try to make him.

How many places have you been in your life that you dreaded? That you just could not stand at that time? That you thought would just never end? Now think back to then from where you are now. Even though it was an unpleasant, something in that period changed you, taught you, or revieled something in or to you that was vital to your maturation.

That was God. You see, we are made in His image, yes. But, we currently are nothing but an ugly distorted version of what He has planned for us. It takes those seasons of uncomfortableness to refine us. You need to trust God that he will light the way on your path with Him, even if it's just the next step that you see. Have faith that He will never fail you, because He wont.

"Through the heartfelt mercies of our God,
God's Sunrise will break in upon us,
Shining on those in the darkness,
those sitting in the shadow of death,
Then showing us the way, one foot at a time,
down the path of peace."

Luke 1:78-79
The Message

Peace. That word is so sweet to my ears. How I long for peace in my life so many times, only to realize that peace has been there all along, and I was the one who was creating the distress.

So right now, as this snow falls so beautifully reminding me of my magnificent, beautiful and omnipotent Savior, I will zip my lips close my eyes and lift my right hand for Him to guide me. Even if I can not see where I am going.

Are you sure about this??

During my devotional time this morning I found a true treasure! My life has been growing in Christ so much, especially in the last six months since I have started going to Crossroads. They are seeing my yearning for God and gifts that he has given me. But most importantly, they are not judging me by the world's standards.

1 Samuel 16:7 says, " But the Lord says... Do not consider his appearance or his height... the Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

I am so glad that they are seeing my heart, and not my "outward appearance". Because if they were, it wouldn't be so pretty.

All I am in man's eyes is a 24 "year young" girl, who had a baby in her teens out of "wedlock". A girl who used to be addicted. A girl who used to make some really bad decisions on a daily basis. A girl who isn't old enough to know enough to help or teach anyone.

That's is what I may look like to some. But I praise the Lord that He sees my heart!!! He made my heart!! He sees that I am desperate to love others! I deeply yearn to help others see him!! I have such a longing in my heart to encourage people. That, in fact, is my spiritual gift. The gift of exhortation.

I didn't know that until recently though. I spent a large part of my life being a negative person, a "debbie downer". If you would give me your ear for just a minute, I would fill it with why my life was just no good in general. But, one day I stumbled upon a spiritual gifts survey online. I took it and the result was "The gift of Exhortation". Umm, what in the world is exhortation?? I looked it up. According to Merriam-Webster it's a language intended to incite (or to move to action : stir up : spur on : urge on) and encourage!!

At this point it hit me. The devil has been playing me like a two dollar fiddle. He put such a spirit of negativity upon me that it drown out my spiritual gift to the point that I didn't even know what it meant!! That day I prayed for forgiveness for being such a fool! I prayed that God would help me to grow in that gift he had given me! And wow has he!! It's so amazing that if we just go to God and seek Him how big He can show up :o)

In the process of growing spiritually though there are many mountains to march around, and valleys to go through. I heard a wonderful word depiction of this: New level, New devil. This is vital to the growing process. We must be tested to ensure that our desire is for God. Luke 9:23 CEV says, "Then Jesus said to all the people: If any of you want to be my followers, you must forget about yourself. You must take up your cross each day and follow me." This passage is trying to tell you that each day you are in battle. Your spirit is desiring the Lord, but your flesh, your man suit, only cares about itself. (This reminds me of the famous Joyce Meyer robot impersonation "what about me, what about me" look it up! It's hilarious!!)

How can we focus on God when we are growing and being tested?? Well, here is a WONDERFUL scripture that will help you:

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or, am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."
Galatians 1:10 NIV

This verse is a wonderful motive checker for all that we do!! To find out if you are trying to please man (this also includes yourself) or God, ask yourself the who, what, when, where, why and how.

Who exactly am I doing this for?
Am I doing this for myself? Doing it for "them"? To get attention?? For God??
What is the outcome of this action?
Hurting someone? Pride? Joy? Happiness? Greed? Glory to God??
When will I do this?
Immediately? Do I have peace about it? Should I take some time to pray about it?? (don't do anything in haste)
Where is it happening?
Am I trying to hide this so no one will see, or, am I doing this so that all will see me and how great "I" am or how great GOD is??
Why am I doing this?
Seriously. Think about it. Why.
How is this bringing glory to God?
Or, is it? If you can not find an answer to this question, you shouldn't continue with your decision. Re-evaluate.

All answers to these five questions must be arrows pointing straight back at God!!

But, if you do happen to make the wrong decision, the wonderful thing about God is that you can not fail his test!! He will infinitely re-test you until you pass!! So, save yourself some time, truly check your motives, and give God the glory! Amen!!

He makes you beautiful and He sees your heart!

You can run... but you can't hide.

It has been too long my friends.

Not to long ago, I remember a time when I was at a difficult point in my life. A time when I was DESPERATE. (I know that someone can relate) All I could think was, I just can't take this anymore. This is it. I can't go on this way one more minute.

When we come to these points in our life we have a decision to make: turn to God, or, turn away from God.

Turning away from God is definitely the easier way. It's also the way that most people choose. Most of them do it without even realizing they have done it (which pains my heart!). They lose the connection of the only One that can help them.

Or, you can turn to God. This is the path that is less traveled. This is the ultimate goal for us, as followers of Christ. When troubles arise to run to our Lord, not run away screaming.

When I was at my wits end, I found myself in my dark closet, alone, on my knees, crying uncontrollably, screaming out to God! I was telling him how angry I was he allowed this to happen! How hurt I was! I was telling Him what His word said about it. Begging and pleading for Him to answer me. And he did. He poured peace on me! Poured His love on me! I can't even describe the calmness that I felt at that moment. Like a father would come quite and comfort his daughter, my Father came to me. Why? Because I came to him.

The biggest difference in turning to and away from God, is that God already knows your thoughts beloved. 1 Chronicles 28:9 says, "The Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek Him, He will be found by you." The Lord already knows that you are angry with him. He knows that you're hurt! He sees the pain in your heart! WHY are you trying to hide from him?! He is waiting for you to come to Him. Even scream out to him!! He longs to comfort you, in whatever it is that you are going though, no matter how big or small!

Psalm 77:1 (The Message) touches my heart:

"I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs, He listens."

My thoughts turn to Hannah.1 Samuel 1:9-18 paints a picture of a woman desperate for God to hear her cries. She sat in that sanctuary, "crushed in spirit", and, "cried and cried inconsolably" (The Message). So much so that The priest, Eli, thought that she was drunk! Now, that is a woman that was not hiding from God. She poured it all out on the table and said, here it is God. Please help me.

Have you even asked Him for help? So many of us fall so hard into self loathing, that we forget that we haven't even asked God for his help! When troubles arise make His name the first word on your lips. Lift your hands and your heart, close your eyes, and just say it, Jesus. The name alone has power. Do not forget the price he paid for your love.

I have a friend so dear to my heart that is going through such a difficult situation that I can not even imagine. She amazes me. In this time when so many would give up on God, she is standing strong, believing that this will be worked out for His glory. She is such an inspiration to me. She was telling me that she had also found herself on her knees crying out to God, and he came and covered her with His love. How amazing is it that when we need God, and we make that choice to turn to him, even when we are angry and hurt, that he cares and comes when we call.

Please don't give up on God. Even if you feel that you have been crying out for so long with no answer. He promises more than once in His word that if we seek him out, we will find him. But we must seek him with the right intentions and with an honest heart. You can not fool God.

He WILL come to you! I LOVE to pray with my head lifted! I can just imagine the Lord's hand under my chin as tears are poring down my cheeks! As I am telling him all the things he already knows, yet he is still listening. But, just remember in order for prayers to be answered.... you have to pray them first :o)

Have you forgotten.........

**WARNING**
This may be a fairly long post so get some water or
take a bathroom break before it's too late because trust
me you don't want to miss what I have to tell you today.

Last night on my drive home from work I was doing some very deep thinking (which you already know if you follow me on twitter/facebook :o) I got in to a... discussion... on Saturday with a co-worker about a lady that used to be a supervisor where we work. The lady is now a unit manager (which was a promotion) and my co-worker insisted that she has "changed" since she took the position (like a snooty "change"). I told my co-worker that I'm sure she has changed she has new responsibilities, new goals, even new hours, that's a lot of change. Then I said people change, things change, life just changes. Her reply was, "Well I never changed." WHAT?? So I asked her if she knew more than when she first started working here? Or if she has been able to develop boldness toward the staff under her? She just kept replying, "That's not what I meant, you know what I meant, that's not the kind of change I meant."

Well, last time I checked, change means simply something different, not the same.

I know a lot about change at such a young age. Here is a little bit of my testimony: My parents were divorced when I was 6. My dad divorced a second time when I was 14, to a woman I thought of as my mother and pretty much never saw her again after she had raised me for so long. Then I made a lot of bad choices as a teen, I did drugs and had a drinking problem. Cared less about my safety. I tried to commit suicide at 16, then made more bad choices after that wasn't successful.

I graduated high school on May 28, 2003 and then stole the guy that my good friend was dating at the time in early June 2003 (which turned out to be the best thing that I had done in a long time :o) Moved to Ft. Sill, Oklahoma with him on a whim in August 2003. Found out I was pregnant in September 2003 (big surprise!!), and married with a ring purchased from the CVS 25-cent machine on October 4, 2003 so I would have insurance to birth a child. (Exciting right!!) Mean while here I am 18 years old living in a state 6 hours from anyone that I knew, my husband is in the Army and NEVER around and I am L-O-S-T.

One night I came home from work when I was 5 months pregnant (and still had no friends). Travis was off doing the Army thing somewhere. I walked in the door to our rickety apartment, looked around after I turned the light on, and fell to my knees and cried. I woke up the next morning in that same spot that fell and realized that I must have cried myself to sleep. I believed in God, but that was about it. I knew he was up there and I was pissed off that he had forgotten about me!! How could he let me slip through the cracks!! It was my own fault though, right? I was the one who made all the bad choices so, now I'm paying, right?

WRONG. Something clicked. I started going to a church where I found out about Jesus. Then a month later, there I was, 18 years old, 6 months pregnant getting baptized (they said it was a "two for one" deal :o) God is just awesome like that!! There is some change for ya'!

Now let me tell you something people: Things change. People change. Situations change. Places change. Times change. Too much change for ya'? Great! Because here's the good part:

GOD DOES NOT CHANGE. JESUS DOES NOT CHANGE.

When every single thing in your life is upside down and you feel lost, alone and forgotten about, Jesus is there. He doesn't change, ever. Even when you are so far off the beaten path that you feel like you are already living in hell for your bad choices, Jesus is there, waiting. He's waiting on you to turn back to look at him, to acknowledge him. Want to know how I know? Because it happened to me!!

When I look back and think about my life before him, I see him standing there. Waiting on me to fulfill his will for my life.

When I was young and my parents divorced, he was there through my dad. He showed His love and compassion through my dad's love and compassion.

When I was "young and dumb" he was there. My friends and I always made wishes when we went over railroad tracks (which was everyday). I never wished, I always said the same thing. Every single time, "God please keep me safe and out of trouble." He did. Not once did I get "busted" by the cops for anything, and there were plenty of opportunities, trust me.

He was there when I tried to commit suicide. It happened at just the perfect time that my sister was there. She got me to the hospital. Jesus was there, I think he was maybe a little pissed, but he was there.

Then my friends met this guy at the beach, and brought him back to our little town. Jesus was there. That "guy" was my soon-to-be baby's daddy/husband. I didn't know. But God knew. He was there.

He was there when I reached the end of myself. The night I cried myself to sleep alone in that apartment He was there. He was calling out to me, begging me, to turn to His face. The same way that it rips us apart to see our children hurt and broken, I believe that God feels that way when we are hurt and broken. I believe it pains him to see our tears of sadness. That next morning I was at the very end of me, alone and confused (being pregnant didn't help those emotions at all by the way). He made me see him standing there. And I turned to Him. :o) What a glorious moment that was :o)

Now I see him every single day without fail. Do I ever get lonely? Yes, but I know now that is the liar telling me lies. Do things change and life feel unbareable at times? Yes, but I know that God will not give me anything that he knows that I can't handle and that I am not alone. In Hebrews 13:5 it says that God will never leave me or forget about me. And Romans 8:26-30 (The Message) says:

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

Did you miss it??

In verse 28 it says that God works EVERYTHING (even the inferno of change) for His glory!!

Then in verse 30 it says that he stays with us until the end. You must remember that.

Here is the words that changed my life today:

".... Remember how he told you...." Luke 24:6

This was in reference to the two angels telling the women why Jesus was not in the tomb, and the stone was rolled away!! They said it like, DUH!! Remember how he told you that he would die and rise again in three days?!?! Hello! Were you listening? It's Jesus, for Christ's sake :o) Listen to the man. Then in verse 8, (this is hillarious to me!!) It says, "Then the women remembered His words." An aha moment for the ladies :o) I can just see Mary turning to Mary saying, "Oh, Yeah!! I remember now!", or maybe, "Well now that you mention it, I think he did say something about that!" :o) (Don't blame me by the way, God gave me this insane imagination :o)

So please "Remember how he told you" when the winds of change start rolling in.

JESUS DOES NOT CHANGE.

Or, have you forgotten?

Get into Him.

Gems, Treasures, and Fabulous Things..... and I Have the Map!!

Today is Friday. TGIF, rather I like the other meaning that I have heard for that acronym, Today God is First. Today started out wonderful for me!! I got up early with Travis and took Kylie to school, then I came back home to hang out with God. Minutes turned to hours, and then it was time for lunch. As I was eating I took some time to think about my studies.

Yesterday and today I read 1 & 2 Timothy. I had been hearing Timothy's name being brought up quite often lately so I figured I was being guided there. Timothy was a young guy that God touched and gave him words to say. Only, from what I read in Paul's letters to Timothy, Timothy was losing sight of his mission. Losing sight of what God had called him to do. Or what I like to call....... Timothy got a little side tracked.

Have you ever been side tracked?? (Don't lie.... it's a sin you know :o) I get side tracked all the time it seems. What Paul was trying to do in his letters to Timothy was to make him aware of his "sidetracked-ness", and to remind, refresh, and renavigate him to his mission (which was to bring people to Christ). Isn't that all of our missions. So tell me how sidetracked are you in your mission?

I asked myself that same question and I a willing to admit that I a totally sidetracked. It just seems that my emotions are getting in my way of my relationship with God. And most of my emotions my friend are whispers in my ear from the enemy, that I seem to believe every time (you know you hear them too... Your not good enough, she is prettier, your not smart, he'll move on sooner or later, God remembers what you did.... SHAME SHAME, bad mom, bad friend, bad wife, bad nurse...... etc, etc, etc).

Well honey, let me give you my little gem that I found today in 2 Timothy:

The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom.
To Him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

2 Timothy 4:18

This verse sent chills up my spine with every word that I continued to read, and I knew that God meant that verse for me today. This is a verse that I am going to memorize. When I hear those small evil whispers in my ear, I'll pull out my two edged sword and say, "AWAY FROM ME SATAN- The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To HIM be the glory for ever and ever. AMEN!! That is notecard on my bathroom mirror worthy!!

Also I keep a little notebook beside me when I have my morning time. When I run across a scripture that stops me dead in my tracks, I jot it down. I have a whole little notebook now that is a reminder to me that God is alive and active in me, not only did he save me, not only does he care for me, but he is communicating with me throught the holy spirit!! And I know that any old fashioned girl like me loves some ATTENTION, especially from her main man :o) Here is another little treasure for you girls, this one is also FOR SURE notecard on the bathroom mirror worthy:

Good morning!
You're beautiful with God's beauty,
Beautiful inside and out!

God be with you.

Luke 1:28
(The Mesage)

Just try starting your day off on a sour note with God telling you how beautiful you are with beauty that only comes from him and through him. Just try.


God is Glorious, more Glorious that my mere words can describe!

It's Sunday... and that's my Fun-day ! !

Just got home from church and I am so psyched I just had to get on and blog about it!! Well let's see where to start?? Well for the last couple of weeks I have really felt some distance from God for whatever reason. It seemed like I just couldn't watch enough tivoed Joyce Meyer and Beth Moore to save my life and it just wasn't making me feel closer to God. Well people, I had a total light bulb moment this morning with the Lord. I WASN'T OPENING MY BIBLE AND READING EVERY MORNING LIKE I USUALLY DO!!! I was like.. um HELLO MICHELLE anyone in there??? Joyce Meyer and Beth Moore aren't going to help you if you don't help yourself.

I spent a second this morning before I started my devotional that I am doing (Btw it's 90 Days With the One and Only- Jesus By, Beth Moore and it is SO fabulous! I HIGHLY recommend it!!) so I took a minute and said a very simple prayer: Lord thank you for this day and the sunshine. Please be in my presence here in my kitchen this morning. Please help me as I am learning of you to understand. Please help me to stay focused Lord. Thank you for loving me so much Lord. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. It was AMAZING the Lord's peace just FLOODED over me immediately. Tears came to my eyes and I could just feel His love. It was like he was letting me know, Beloved, I have been right here where you left me waiting on you to come back. I can't even explain people.

For those of you who don't believe, let me tell you: There is a God and He did send his son Jesus to save us. He loves you more than you will EVER know, and it is THE most WONDERFUL unfailing love that you will ever know, because he loves like no human can!!

So, in this other devotional that I read from time to time, guess what the message was about: "Coming back closer to God" The scripture that it was based off I love: "Love God all you saints; God stays close to all to stay close to him, But he pays back in full those arrogant enough to go at it alone." Psalm 31:23 (and I love Psalm 31:24 too: Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up.) Ok ok, all coincidence your thinking.... well then I get to church and guess what the message was about?? Needing to spend time with God.

Now I'm thinking God is telling me he wants to spend some time with me :o) But that makes me SO excited!! He is my One and Only. I can live with out ANYTHING in my life even down to my husband and daughter (though that would suck) but He would guide me through as long as I am actively reaching for is hand. How good is He!!

Also I want to let you know that I am just loving this new church that we are going to (Crossroads Community Church). Praise and worship this morning was so great!! I just rocked out, closed my eyes lifted up my hands and didn't even worry about anything but praising him!! I know that there are so many people that think that God and church are for old folks and boring people but that totally is not the case!! This church is a wonderful example against that!! Check it out for your self: www.crossroadsenterprise.org. I want to leave you with one last bit of encouragement from my devotional book, God's Purpose for Every Woman:

God replied, "I Am The One Who Always Is."
Just tell them, "I Am has sent me to you."
Exodus 3:14

(every time "I Am" is mentioned it's referring to God, as if he were speaking this to you directly)

I Am the unconditional love you are able to give you your kids.
I Am your Redeemer. I forgive you; forgive yourself.
I Am your provider. I Am there for your friends. You aren't supposed to fix everyone.
I Am living in you therefore you have great things to say and write.
I Am your audience, not the world.
I Am your husband, kids, and friends.
The hole that they can't fill in your heart, I can.
I Am your creator. Love the body you were given and take care of it.

The next time you find yourself thinking of all you are not, remember all that God is. He is the great I Am. He loves you dearly. Defeat thoughts of "I'm not" with the truth of "I Am" in him.

How truly amazing.